March MegaGame: Celebrities

Kanye West getting laughed out of the game
Do you all remember Rusty’s ridiculous game from Survivor All-Stars? Well, we’re going to play it with some a major modification. The major modification, of course, being that I added many more celebrities because his game only had nine or ten and our typical game has twenty-plus players. I will warn you right now, this game is going to be complete and utter insanity and is probably broken because this is a giant experiment. I want to get the word out in advance to let you help me tweak it (if necessary) before the game begins.

Once we close the number of people playing, I will have you submit a list to me ranking the players you want from 1-5. I’ll do my best to get everyone someone from that list, but tiebreaker will be lowest number of CJ points. If I need more names from you, then I’ll let you know. The order of movement will also be randomized once I get a roster of players, so you’ll have to rank your characters with that caveat of not knowing the order. Did I mention this is going to be insanity?

Here are the celebrities and their powers (and, yes, I realized “PoC” (person of color) isn’t perfect, but I’m just trying to classify people for purposes of a ridiculous game):

Abe Lincoln (white, tall, male):
1. moves up/down four spaces and destroys any white man in his path
2. if he lands on a white person, both people die
3. if he lands on a person of color, both people live

Ted Bundy (white, average, male):
1. doesn’t have to move
2. can move two spaces in any direction including diagonal
3. kills any woman in his path (and can kill more than one in a single move)
4. dies if he runs into a man
5. dies if adjacent to a woman before his move

Bilbo Baggins (white, short, male):
1. must move one square horizontally or vertically
2. if on same square as two players, he kills all three

Helen Keller (white, average, female):
1. stumbles diagonally one space each turn

Harriet Tubman (PoC, short, female):
1. up or down two spaces
2. moves on the underground railroad, so she doesn’t make contact with other players during her moves
3. dies if she lands on the same space as anyone besides Abraham Lincoln

Tyler Perry (PoC, tall, either):
1. can impersonate any woman in the game (Ted Bundy will die if adjacent), but must announce before the game if he is Tyler Perry or which specific woman
2. if staying Tyler Perry, moves one space in any direction
3. always a person of color

Mahatma Gandhi (PoC, short, male):
1. Can slip between two non-short players horizontally or vertically
2. can slip any length as long as he ends in the same row or column he starts
3. dies if he ends up on the same space as another player

Sarah Jessica Parker (white, short, female):
1. doesn’t have to move
2. can move two squares in any direction including diagonal
3. kills any man (and can kill multiple in a single move) she crosses
4. dies if she runs into a woman
5. dies if adjacent to a man before her move

Mel Gibson (white, average, male):
1) bungee jumps four spaces (doesn’t affect anything beneath him)
2) kills anyone on the space when he lands
3) dies if anyone hits him before/after his jump

Imelda Marcos (PoC, average, female):
1) if adjacent to one woman, she eliminates her by stealing her shoes
2) if adjacent to two women, they eliminate her while she is trying to steal their shoes
3) moves up to two squares in any direction
4) must move every turn

Ron Swanson (white, average, male):
1) builds a fence after each turn that blocks most players from making moves (those who travel by special power like jumping, underground railroad, or plane are exempted); his fences block diagonal moves involving the border being fenced
2) dies if adjacent to other players on three consecutive turns (does not have to be the same player all three turns)
3) moves up to two spots in any direction each turn
4) moves while incognito, so he does not cross paths with other players during his moves

Fat Bastard (white, average, male):
1) lumbers one spot each turn (not diagonal)
2) eats any short people on whom he lands
3) takes up two adjacent spaces

StatFreak101: (white, short, male):
1) if adjacent to one man, he eliminates him by complaining constantly
2) if adjacent to two men, he is eliminated and mocked forever
3) moves up to three squares in any direction
4) must move every turn

Zoey Barnes (white, short, female):
1) uses her charm on people in power (Biden, Lincoln, Gandhi, Amin, Marcos, Rugen, Judge Judy, Uncle Phil, Michelle Obama) by pushing any one of them one spot in any direction before her turn (not including the first turn of the game); cannot be same player more than twice in the entire game; cannot use this power on consecutive turns
2) can travel only in diagonals (DC streets) two spaces every turn

Brett Favre (white, tall, male):
1) can fly by chartered plane up to six spaces in any direction
2) turned into police for sexting if adjacent to two women before his move
3) kills any short man he lands on with a powerful butt-slap

Tonya Harding (white, short, female):
1) before each move, she will tweak any one female of her choice’s move to vertical (so if able to move 3 spaces, the spaces must only be vertical) move only by attacking her kneecap
2) every four moves, she takes an additional space (by gaining weight) and she can choose which direction (horizontal or vertical) she adds her extra square
3) moves up to three (triple) spots (non-diagonal) each turn

Michelle Obama (PoC, tall, female):
1) convinces a player of her choice through the “Move Your Body” program to move two spaces before each turn; cannot move the same player twice within four turns
2) moves one space in any direction; after every two turns, she gains the ability to move an additional space

Bill Cosby (PoC, tall, male):
1) completely incapable of eliminating anyone during his turns (note, other people could eliminate themselves by running into him) because, you know, he’s Bill Cosby
2) moves two spaces in any direction including diagonally

Hornswoggle (white, short, male):
1) Tadpole Jumps two spaces (non diagonal) each turn
2) Crushes any small person on whom he lands

Tom Cruise (white, short, male):
1) eliminates any player with whom he remains adjacent for three consecutive turns through excessive litigation
2) moves up to three spaces in any direction each turn by jumping on a couch

Gloria Pritchett (PoC, average, female):
1) stabbed in the back if next to a short woman, unless also adjacent to a tall man
2) moves one spot in any direction
3) if on same square as two other players, she kills all three

Count Rugen (white, average, male):
1) can share a square with women
2) dies if sharing a square with a tall man
3) kills a short man with whom he shares a square
4) moves two spots (non-diagonally) on his horse each turn

Todd Karner (white, medium, male):
1) smothers Taylor Swift with love if he can land on the same square as her
2) dies if he lands on the same square as any other woman
3) can share a square with one other man, but is eliminated by two who turn him into the butt of their jokes
4) jumps four spaces each turn, but cannot jump back to the same space twice

Idi Amin (PoC, tall, male):
1) horizontal four spaces on each turn
2) if he lands on a person of color, both people die
3) if he lands on a white person, both people live

Uncle Phil (PoC, tall, male):
1) moves left/right one space at a time

Joe Biden (white, tall, male):
1) diagonal three spaces on each turn
2) if he lands on a short person, both people live (he looks out for the little guy)
3) if he lands on a tall person, both people die

Kanye West (PoC, average, male):
1) gets laughed out of the game if adjacent to Taylor Swift unless sharing the spot with another person of color
2) gets laughed out of the game if sharing a spot with Taylor Swift regardless of whether another person of color is also sharing the spot
2) moves two spots in any direction

Cleopatra Burlington (PoC, short, female):
1) moves one spot in any direction
2) arrested for fraud if adjacent to, or sharing a square with, either Judge Judy or Uncle Phil

Taylor Swift (white, tall, female):
1) is so indecisive that she only moves two spaces in any direction on every other turn

Seal (PoC, tall, male):
1) In a world full of people, he’s one who wants to fly. Isn’t that crazy? So he travels by flying from space to space
2) Can fly to any space on the board, but he cannot land in the same row or column twice until he has landed in all rows and columns

Judge Judy (white, short, female):
1) dies if she shares a space with Uncle Phil because she can’t handle being around another judge
2) moves one space in any direction at a time

Cole DeVries (white, tall, male):
1) moves one spot in any direction
2) dies if adjacent to/or sharing a space with two women at the same time (note, can be one of each to kill him)

Like I said, complete insanity is the expectation. Please use the comments to express interest or to spot ways that certain people are entirely too powerful.

In so far:
Daneeka’s Ghost


25 thoughts on “March MegaGame: Celebrities

  1. Man…the use of “colored” really bugs me. Maybe you could have gone with person of color? PoC for short? Ridiculous game or not, it’s hard not to be rubbed wrong by a categorization based on race with a term as fraught as that one.

    • I have non-white clients who still use that term, perhaps maybe because it’s still in the title of the NAACP. “Person of Color” is unwieldy. Non-white would seem easier. Or, just not having race be a factor for the game, too.

      • It’s a bit counterintuitive, but I believe that what people within a traditionally-diminished group use to label themselves doesn’t always hold as appropriate for people outside that group to use. It’s that whole reclamation of a hurtful slur thing.

        I know that the word would feel just wrong in my mouth if used in that context. It’s true that PoC is a bit unwieldy when not acronymous. But then, I have no trouble using “unwieldy” and “acronymous” in the same sentence, so…

        • FWIW, I can’t think of too many black people I’ve met who wanted to be called anything besides “black.” Occasionally African-American if appropriate. Of course, this game has more races than black.

        • The whole time I was brainstorming characters and moves, I kept thinking, “Find a non-offensive way to classify the celebrities knowing that Rusty’s original moves incorporated skin color.” Unfortunately, I was too excited thinking of moves (and wanting to get this up there to see if any moves seemed obviously breakable), to circle back and address that latent thought.

          I can promise you one thing: if it had been fewer than five years since I left Macalester, I probably would have been more cognizant of the WASP privilege I was asserting in the game.

          • Can you replace “White” with “PoP” for “Person of Pallor”?
            No? Should I show myself out? OK, then… Later.

  2. I didn’t pay attention to the original running of this. I just have one question off the bat. For those who are limited to vertical only or horizontal only, aren’t they extremely vulnerable? I guess everyone is highly vulnerable, but characters like Uncle Phil seem even more so. Like you said, this seems like it could be crazy and end quickly, and it could take many play-throughs and tweaks to make it a great game.

    • I tried to build in a lot of mechanisms so that the characters with the most freedom of movement also had a lot of ways to accidently stumble into death. When this game was played in All Stars, there was a hilarious day when about five characters died at the same time because of their proximity to each other.

  3. As a newbie, I feel like the playing field is a little more even since no one knows what on earth is going on! Count me in!!! 🙂

  4. Pingback: March MegaGame: Character Assassination | Cutthroat Junction

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